It’s that time of year again; St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner. The staples of this ultra-festive holiday include green beer, green rivers and green-themed parades. The Irish have a long-standing relationship with the color, as it has represented everything from their beloved saint to the Emerald Isle itself. Stories vary, but for some wonderfully educated reason it has become a tradition to pinch those who do not honor St. Patrick by adorning themselves in green.
Seeing as there is always someone in the office who refuses to honor their non-existent Irish heritage, it only seems natural to address the proper pinching etiquette required for this holiday. The proper pinch is crucial if you are to adequately punish an offender without becoming the victim of an “unsolicited” lawsuit.
1. The following areas should be avoided when punishing a non-celebratory coworker: neck, face, shoulders (as this may be confused with the neck), anything between the neck and knees (yes, even an honest pinch to the side could be considered sexual harassment as the side is typically an area prone to tickling which is seen as a sexual or harassing behavior in most office settings), and the upper arm (if you intend to pinch the upper arm and miss it could get messy).
Pinch Zones
2. If you are pinching a woman please refrain from making contact with the obvious areas, and avoid the less obvious areas such as the back. This includes areas of back-fat which seem to protrude in appropriate areas, but don’t be fooled. There is nothing appropriate about it, and you probably wouldn’t want to touch that anyway.
3. A good rule of pinch is to only administer punishment to the lower arms, area between the elbow and mid-upper arm, and the foot when possible.
4. For those who are less inclined to acknowledge such punishment for denying Ireland’s sacred color, the air-pinch is fully acceptable in all office settings. Although the air-pinch does not punish non-green wearing offenders as effectively, it certainly scares them to a degree that may encourage them to find something green to wear later in the day, and will almost guarantee that they wear green next year.
5. An effective accessory to the air-pinch is a subtle hint that may be delivered through an intimidating expression that lets the offender know that if you were pinching them, it would really hurt.
To avoid donning the most beautiful shade of emerald on the world-renowned St. Patrick’s day, only demonstrates incompetency and lack of compassion to the rest of the world. Be sure to enforce all that is Irish and all that St. Patrick stood for, by pinching those foolish enough to deny their green roots and in short their somewhat Irish heritage. Make St. Patty proud and pinch like a champion.
